“I was born in a loving, middle-class family in Baltimore. Drinking was a way of life, cultural. Cocktails before dinner were common. At a family party, right after we took your coat, we offered you a drink. It was expected that when your drink was empty, we would promptly refill it. It was social and, from my perspective, normal. When I got married and moved out of the home, I continued that custom. I came home from the law office and had a nightly drink, or two…”

“My journey to recovery began on May 6th, 1995 in a hotel room in the little Havana section of Miami. That was the turning point for me. I had for some years developed a tolerance for alcohol and although still able to function reasonably well it was a problem. I had been appointed to the bench at the age of thirty. I had established a very successful private practice. Eleven years later I suffered a serious back injury and after two surgeries I could not function without pain. I was seen at a pain clinic in a Baltimore hospital and given a variety of narcotics including morphine to be able to function…”

“I first noticed my mental health issues at a young age. As a child, I would frequently have trouble falling asleep due to racing thoughts consisting of worst case scenarios and fake conversations that were unlikely ever to arise. When I entered my teenage years, other thoughts began to materialize. These thoughts were much darker and would predominantly form in the winter months when sunlight was scarce. It was in high school when the rare suicidal thought began to arise. Although they were fleeting, their intensity in the moment should have forced me to seek help…”

“I have struggled with anxiety and depression for much of my life. During adolescence, feelings of depression would flood me without warning, at unpredictable intervals and with no apparent pattern or length. Similarly, I would find myself feeling anxious and worried regarding everyday tasks such as school. These feelings came and went through college and law school. For the most part, I was able to get through those patches, but I never determined a trigger and, other than a brief stint with a counselor during college, I never really discussed my thoughts or feelings with anyone at length…”

“It was about 14 years ago that I had a court appearance that I was extremely anxious about. I remember getting myself together in my tiny apartment after an all-night bender. The only thing that would calm me down before court was another drink. One drink turned into about two or three more, and then I was back to my usual state of numbness at 8am which of course meant much less anxiety and fear about court. Somehow, I managed to get myself to the courthouse where I stood in the assigned courtroom, about 30 minutes late, among 50 other lawyers with cases waiting to be called. I ran into another lawyer with whom I had some cases against in the past…”

If you have a story that you want to share anonymously, please contact Lisa Caplan, Director of the Lawyer Assistance Program at lisa@msba.org.